I’m gonna be real honest with ya. I feel like I’ve been writing and thinking too much about how what I create whether it be in text/video/image form will be received. Instead of holding onto my gut feelings, following what I feel like I want to share. I’ve been kinda lost with doing this whole ‘share one thing you’re grateful for each day’ and ‘put up interesting videos’ thing. So I haven’t been working on any videos even though I have some footage from stuff because… I don’t want to churn them out just for the sake of putting it out there. For me, it matters that my h e a r t is in it. That matters more than the image quality, the editing style, all that. I do miss having some friends around who I can blabber to and they’ll just get it. I hate doing the thing I do for academic writing where I write a sentence over and over again because it doesn’t some profound enough, not scholarly enough. There shouldn’t be ‘not enough’ because I am enough and what I want to put out there should be enough. So yeah, I’m gonna focus on the heart feelings and the things that I’m like wow yeah i want to capture these feelings through words or film or photography, whatever feels right for that moment. I’m blessed to have access to all these art forms, and I’m only just starting to truly learn what art means for my soul.
And today, I am so so so so so grateful for my cafe job and especially for the people I get to do it with. I’m learning so much about l i f e (as always) and what it looks like to stand firmly on this earth holding hands with other beings (this is meant to be a metaphor. if you don’t get it, sorry. i can explain if you want. but it makes sense to me. wait, listen to michael jackson & akon’s song Hold My Hand, maybe it’ll make sense after that)
[the following is raw]
so ya and i’m gonna start a side blog that will be a drawing board for the cafe/eatery i hope to one day have. healing through food. healing with food. idk about name yet, just wanna get these concepts out there cuz this is the mission, this is the core. a cafe grounded in chinese food/medicine tradition, working to craft and distribute nourishing plant-based foods that nourish the body mind and soul. a menu that changes seasonally, not cuz it’s hip to do, but because it’s firmly rooted in traditional chinese medicine and philosophy to go where the wind blows, follow the path… a lot of connections to buddhist tradition too, so want to honor that, and all the people who are part of such traditions and practices. open to all. i don’t want to make this a business where profit > people/food justice/etc. but i gotta find money. and then use that money to redistribute access and power. i think this is something i’d like to do in the places i grew up (hk and beijing) because i want to serve the communities i grew up around, the people who literally make the places i hold so dearly in my heart, so that’s people from your the school janitor you see every morning but don’t know the name of, the lady who serves you your school lunch every day, the jianbing lady outside your school door who you buy food from once a week but never really stopped to ask how she makes it here every day, or where she lives, because you’re too caught up with the next quiz you have to take and where you’ll go to college, the driver who honks loudly at every moving vehicle, and you wonder why he’s raging like that but you don’t bother to ask, you go home to do your home work, continue on living as a robot, and forget what it feels like to actually feel alive, it’s for the guides who led you into the jungle, the one you locked eyes with and whose soul graced across your soul over that fire and the raton bracelets that one person so patiently held in their hands while you looked at them in awe of the wisdom in their patience, you wonder if you’ll ever see them again, and you probably won’t because they live in rural indonesia, an area you don’t even know the name of, but one you felt at home in, but it’s not your place, not your home, but isn’t this planet our home and not our home at the same time? it’s for the women who have worked for your family, picked up your dirty clothes, washed up your dirty bowls, swept the floors, and bought the food you put on the table, it’s for them and their sons and their husbands, it’s for the white-collared 9-5 desk-sitting, back-aching, soul-draining youngling who’s just trying to make it at this thing called life but doesn’t have time or energy to call home let alone eat a meal at home, it’s for the multi-million dollar company CEO who works on their phone 24/7, even lives the conference calls in dreams, and wakes up just a bit too late to eat breakfast, a client is waiting, cannot stop to take care of myself, there is a client waiting, a deal to close, more money for my family, more money for my children, more money so my children don’t have to grow up like i did, so they can do waht i didn’t get to do but wanted, wanted, wanted in my heart so much and left alone for so long i don’t even know what it feels like to want
so this is for us all for all of us who are just trying to make it through this life in one peace, and wanting to do this and love this and and live this. and i believe. it’s possible. and that food, food and the things put nourish fuel can be a starting point and it’s not everything …
*i recorded myself reading this after i wrote it, and added some live bits i didn’t write out at the end. i’ll share if you want to see me laying half-upright on my bed with my camera angled awkwardly against my face. lol…*