‘home’ has never been clear to me. i’ve spent periods of time torn between different places that all carry their own feelings of home, feeling like i had to choose one over the other.
i absolutely dread answering questions like ‘so where’s home?’ because it assumes my home is in one place, that i’ve grown up in one place, that my parents and i grew up in one place… that i can give you a one-word answer. but i can’t. i can’t because i was born in one place, grew up in one place and another place and spent time in other places during my summers, and now live in another place, and will probably live in other places again. oh, and my citizenship is in this place, and no i am not a dual citizen. and no, i don’t have any chinese documentations even though i am chinese. and yes i can be chinese and not have a chinese passport. and no i am not american even though i speak like one. and no i am not from california just because i’m east-asian and speak like this.
the truth is, many people, including myself, grow up without a home but with many homes. my concept of home has come to transcend geo-political boundaries because my own identity is spewed across continents and cultures. at this point in life, at twenty years of age, i’m a little more okay with having bits and pieces of my soul scattered across this beautiful world. i feel less lost knowing that it is these very pieces that keep me rooted in something larger. my being is upheld by all the people, places, memories, and feelings i’ve been blessed with. in these hands, i hold both loneliness and love, loss and abundance. i am lost and grounded, all at the same time. this is who i am, and i’m more than okay with that.
instead of trying to take back what was lost growing up the way i did, i’m dedicating the next stage of life to focusing on the now and all that the future holds. it’s not trying to make up for the chinese-ness i rejected growing up, it’s trying to understand what it means to be chinese given all the other things that make me who i am.
this, my friends, is the beginning of many videos documenting these homes. i dedicate them to all the beings, elements, and places that make me who i am, because without them, i would be nothing.